You might remember the last of Clint Eastwood’s ‘Dirty Harry’ movies, The Dead Pool, which was released in 1988. The film has inspired a number of websites that invite you to draw up a list of celebrities that might die within the next year, TheDeadpool.com seems to be the most entertaining of these – apart from the irksome feature of auto-playing a noisy video when you open the site.
Dirty Harry is an iconic character, the renegade police inspector who blows away the bad guys. “Do you feel lucky, punk? Well, do ya?” – would you test your luck with a .357 Magnum sticking up your left nostril? Do you have enough of a death wish to provoke the invitation, “Go ahead, make my day“? The glorification of violence, and dispensing of instant justice with a large-caliber handgun, just makes you want to go out and get your own .357 Magnum. After all, there are so many people this planet would be much better off without. I don’t have a source for this quote but, “some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill them“.
That, rather neatly, brings me to the purpose of this page. Like the aforementioned Dirty Harry movie, this is not an assassination market. What is presented below is a wish-list; people I would really, really like to see die – preferably in an extremely unpleasant fashion. You can nominate your preferred candidates by leaving a comment below. Be sure to provide a link to a biography, perhaps some newspaper stories to explain why you’d like to see the proposed victim dead, and a picture that can be photoshopped in cruel and unusual ways. I won’t suggest printing the information out as most-wanted posters, but I’ll stifle a maniacal cackle if such lands in my mailbox.
The British Politicians
Post-Thatcher, the UK’s two main political parties have unquestioningly embraced free-market capitalism. The gap between the most wealthy and everyone else has widened into a Grand Canyon sized chasm. Publicly owned utilities have been sold off at knock-down prices, private-sector firms have been permitted to become involved in the provision of public services – and make a profit doing so. That profit comes out of the taxpayers pocket, and goes straight into the pockets of people who could never work another day in their lives, while still affording to have breakfast in a different country every morning.
Here are the candidates for ten pence expenditure each on a soft-nosed bullet:
- Margaret Thatcher
- Tony Blair
- Peter Mandelson
The American Politicians
This is going to be like shooting fish in a barrel. After all, the U.S. has an abundance of shady politicians who are slightly to the right of Attila the Hun. With its position on the world stage there are so many U.S. politicians widely known outside the country. I don’t know if I should be happy Richard M. Nixon is already dead, or wistful because I can’t list him and lambast his utter corruption and contempt for democracy. I will just have to settle for quoting the obituary Hunter S. Thompson wrote on his death, “If the right people had been in charge of Nixon’s funeral, his casket would have been launched into one of those open-sewage canals that empty into the ocean just south of Los Angeles. He was a swine of a man and a jabbering dupe of a president. Nixon was so crooked that he needed servants to help him screw his pants on every morning.”
America is well-known for its gun culture, so logically that’s how these people should die. But, just to make sure there’s something about it which would irritate them, it should be with the preferred weapon of those they are so dead-set against – the AK-47.
- George W. Bush
- Dick Cheney
- Henry Kissinger
Criminals in the media
The quality of journalism in many quarters has taken a nose-dive into a lake of untreated sewage over the last couple of decades. Pressure to reduce costs has increasingly come from free online resources; the upshot of which is a reduction in fact-checking and editorial control. Within some media organisations there has been a deliberate drive to erase the line between actual news reporting and editorialising; we are all the poorer for such pandering to the lowest common denominator.
In parallel, the cult of celebrity has been in ascendance. You can expect pages of utterly inconsequential trivia on virtually every B-list celeb and wannabe. Nobody should be particularly bothered about who was seen where with who, and the exposure given to some of these manufactured celebrities exposes them to any person with half a brain as shallow, insipid cretins who would be sweeping the streets clean were it not for their moderate good looks and perfectly aligned ultra-white teeth that can be used as an alternative to a thousand watt halogen bulb.
How should media and manufactured celebrities die? Well, for the moment, I’ll settle for in a pool of their own vomit after being burned on a drug deal and spending a subjective eternity hallucinating that they’re in hell with the Dark One reading their sins out in chronological order.
- Rupert Murdoch
- Rush Limbaugh
- Tom Cruise
- Sean Hannity